UWEC announces Rural Health Innovation Alliance
Farm to School benefits students, local businesses
February 24, 2023
During a recent conversation with a senior leader named Debbie, she confided in me that she and a young leader named Josh were not getting along well.
This was distressing to Debbie because Josh reported directly to her, and more importantly, she was in the process of developing Josh to take on a larger leadership role within her team.
“He seems to take everything I say as a criticism, and he gets defensive,” Debbie said with a mixture of confusion and resignation in her voice. “I can’t figure out how to teach him about the things he needs to know to advance to the next level of leadership. Maybe he is not the right person to take on this new role.”
Intent versus impact
The situation presented Debbie with an opportunity to focus on a key communication principle: intent versus impact.
Intent is what we mean to accomplish – it is the motivation or purpose of our words or actions.
Impact is what we achieve – it is how others perceive what we say or do.
Debbie’s intent, her desired goal, was to offer Josh feedback about his leadership performance – to coach him to grow as a leader.
The impact of Debbie’s feedback was apparently defensiveness from Josh, which may have meant he was feeling unappreciated, misunderstood or frustrated by her comments about his performance.
Debbie’s reaction to Josh’s defensiveness was confusion and disappointment.
It was her intention to help him grow as a leader, and she thought he would be grateful for the time she was investing in him, as well as the thoughtful feedback and useful insights she was sharing with him.
Debbie could not understand why he was reacting defensively, and she was not sure what to do about it… other than maybe give up on developing him to take on more responsibility.
Analyzing the impact
The good news is that Debbie felt comfortable enough to talk about the situation with someone – in this case me.
She was open to another set of eyes to help her see what she could not see.
Debbie’s intention was clear.
It was easy to affirm what she was trying to do was noble and professionally appropriate.
With that established, Debbie and I began to examine the impact of her efforts thus far.
What could have caused Josh’s defensiveness?
Was he actually feeling defensive – or was that an assumption?
It was important for her to be curious rather than to make any assumptions about his perceptions.
Debbie realized she would have to speak with Josh about their interactions to better understand how he was perceiving their discussions.
Her goal was, of course, not to criticize his behavior.
Rather, she was determined to set her ego aside so she could focus on Josh and his point of view.
She wanted to learn about him so she could tailor her efforts to have the intended impact.
Upon addressing her concerns with Josh, Debbie learned he had not connected the feedback she was giving to him with the fact she had identified him as a likely candidate for a new, broader leadership role.
Despite prior career development conversations with her, Josh did not realize her increasing interest in his performance was related to her desire to develop him for the next level of leadership.
Josh shared with her, a bit sheepishly perhaps, that he had thought Debbie’s ardent focus on his performance was due to recent financial concerns in their industry – perhaps a harbinger of impending demotion or job loss.
Aligning the intent and impact of your feedback
The revelations Debbie and Josh gained from their conversation allowed them to reset their discussions.
Josh was, of course, relieved and more receptive to Debbie’s feedback because he understood her intention.
He was grateful for her willingness to invest in his development.
Debbie was reminded of feedback fundamentals that can be helpful for those who seek to ensure the impact of their feedback aligns well with their intent:
Practice – Try various methods for giving and receiving honest feedback. Hone this leadership skill.Withhold judgment – Like Debbie, be curious about other people’s responses to your feedback. Seek insight into their perspectives and reactions.Offer context – Explain why the feedback is important or useful to the recipients, including how it may help them advance their careers, more significantly serve the business, be more impactful with teammates, etc.Build relationships – Take the time to engage further. Build trust and credibility by spending appropriate time getting to know the people to whom you are responsible for offering performance feedback.
Terri Jacke is the founder and President of Inspired Training Institute, Inc., an executive coaching and organizational development firm, and author of Is “This a Lousy Job or Is It Me?: A Real-Life Guide for Achieving Success at Work.”
